As you all know, "American Idol" is making a comeback. Comeback is putting it lightly. It was gone for less than a year. Anyway, in 2008 I, Rocky Paterra, auditioned for Idol for the first time in East Rutherford, New Jersey. I was 16 and spoiler alert: I was rejected.

However, I have all the inside scoop on cattle calls.

After my audition I wrote a 40-page memoir chronicling my journey, because I've always been way too extra of a human being. I even had it printed and shipped to me. Trust me... it's part of my master plan for world domination.

The memoir is called "American Idle" (notice how my 16-year-old self cleverly spelled Idle), and it is as cringe-worthy as it is informative when it comes to what goes down not only at cattle calls but also in the whole psychological experience of being young and auditioning for a massive show like this. 

So join me on this journey as I respond to the memoir that I wrote almost a decade ago.

Buckle up, and keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times.

PART ONE: THE BUILD-UP, ROAD TRIP, & THE NIGHT BEFORE

On losing sleep when you should be sleeping:

"March of 2008 stands out a great deal for me, because it was at this time that I finalized my decision of auditioning for Season 8 of the show. I thought, 'Now it's my turn.' I lost sleep thinking about the fact that I might one day become part of the show that I've wanted to perform on ever since I started watching at Season 3."

Please, young Rocky, go to sleep. It's OK. Also, I very much appreciate that I casually mention not having watched the first two seasons of the show. It's cool, I'm sure the producers won't ask.

On personal backstory that is still true:

"The one area I am lacking in is my self-esteem. I don't know why, but I am never satisfied with myself."

I didn't realize until now that I wrote "Hamilton."

On balancing community theatre with reality television:

"The [Idol] audition was on a Tuesday, and Pippin started back up on Friday, so [my mom and I] were very worried that the audition would last so long that I wouldn't get back in time for the show. It was kind of necessary that I be back for the show because I was playing the part of Pippin."

The Idol audition lasted 30 seconds. We made it back in time.

On road trips and the meals that matter:

"This was to be the experience of a lifetime, so I ordered my usual Crunch Wrap Supreme and Steak Gordita with nacho cheese, but I also decided to be daring and order a Bean and Rice Burrito."

This memoir moment is sponsored by Taco Bell.

On moms who know what the people want:

"My mom said that [my sister and me] would have a good chance of getting on the show if we audition together as a 'brother and sister' deal like Sanjaya and his sister (better though, hopefully), but [my sister] didn't want to audition."

UPDATE: My sister and I had appointments for the "The Voice" as a duo in 2013 as well as the new "American Idol" just last month and we did not make it onto either.

We are not what the people want.

On thinking way too highly of myself:

"My only fear was that I was too much like the previous year's runner-up David Archuleta. My classmates and family said that in addition to sounding a lot like him, I even looked like him with the dark hair and the tan skin."

This is one of the quotes that I cringe at the most as I read this in 2017. Young Rocky, please stop. How dare you compare yourself to that angel. Get new classmates and family. Also, Archuleta is not tan?!?

On God and altitude:

"My mom said that I was coughing because we were driving through the mountains or whatever, but I really thought that was God was testing my nerves. In no way was I going to let sickness ruin my chances at American Idol."

Sickness would not be the thing to ruin your chances, young Rocky. The American Eagle vest may have been, though. More on that later.



On finally arriving in Jersey and lying to the Idol producers who were giving out registration wristbands:

"One of the men working told my mom that her voice sounded like the voice of Karen from the TV show 'Will and Grace.' Although my mom had never gotten that reaction to her voice before, I laughed and said, 'Oh she gets that all the time!' I did not learn until later that these people were of no importance when it came to audition time."

My younger self was a savage liar just trying to get ahead. Also, let me shamelessly plug that "Will and Grace" is also getting a reboot this year. Full circle.

On finally arriving at the hotel and spinning off into paranoia:

"Our room number was 408, which I thought was very coincidental because of the movie 1408 which was about an evil hotel room that people didn't last for more than an hour in upon entry."

But seriously, y'all. I was afraid of this on that night. I remember being afraid of this.

Thanks, Stephen King.

On scoping out the competition at the hotel:

"When we entered the main lobby of the hotel, the amount of audition wristbands we saw on people was unbelievable. I really didn't like it, actually. For some reason I did not want to be thought of as just another one of those hopefuls auditioning for American Idol."

You were.

On my young self being the worst:

"[A man] wearing an audition wristband at the restaurant was a heavier young man who was fairly good-looking. His guest was either his sister or his friend; I couldn't tell as I eavesdropped on their conversation."

I may be the worst, but even at a young age I can still respectfully drop a semicolon into my writing from time to time. 

On rehearsing my audition for my mom in the hotel room:

"I discovered that it was much easier said than done, because I had never sang [my songs] for anyone until now, and how they sounded was so important because it would either make or break my future. With my pitch pipe in hand to make sure I was starting on the right note, I was about to start with my first choice called 'A Song for You.' Right as I was about to start singing, I stopped and ran into where my mom was listening on the bed. I was laughing because I was nervous and she thought it was funny too. This happened around 20 times."

Honestly, my mom probably could have let that happen all night because I was truly the worst teenager ever, and I think she was just glad to see me smiling and laughing around her.

On the walls of the hotel being paper thin and girls next door rehearsing all night:

"It was driving me crazy to the point where I had my ear up to the wall listening. As much as I wanted them to stop singing, I wanted to keep listening because members of my competition were in the next room! I had to keep listening to judge whether or not I could do better, and I hated that about myself that night. I wasn't doing it in a mean way, but more of a concerned and overly nervous way. They sounded good but they really needed to just shut up."

Yeah, this was stressful. I remember this being stressful. Oh goodness, as I'm typing I am remembering the gut-wrenching nerves I was feeling that night. Oh my goodness, Room 408 really did drive me mad! Thanks, Stephen King!

On finally falling asleep because tomorrow was the big day:

"As I lay in bed, I whispered to my mom, 'I'm really nervous.' I didn't explain myself any further. She knew that there was a world of meaning behind that simple line. 'I know,' she said. 'But go to bed, honey.' She always makes me feel so much better because she is so down to Earth and understands how I feel. After praying to God that tomorrow would be a fun and rewarding day for me, I closed my eyes and drifted into an apprehensive slumber."

Young Rocky is killing it with the drama in this memoir.

Well, y'all, that's it for Part One!

Stay tuned for more drama and antics in Part Two as I respond to the dirty details of audition day in East Rutherford, New Jersey!

By Rocky Paterra

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