by Rocky Emidio Paterra

5 Theories Regarding Your Performer Friend's "Exciting News" That They "Can't Go Into Detail About Right Now"

You thought it was going to be a regular, run-of-the-mill Tuesday morning in NYC. Coffee, shower, some light crying at the laundromat.

And then your college theatre friend Jen hits you with a hard left hook on Facebook just as you're picking the crumbs from your avocado toast out of the couch cushions.

The post reads as follows:

"Just received some VERY exciting news. I'm still wrapping my head around this. Can't go into detail yet, but let's just say I couldn't be happier to be in the greatest city in the world. #ILoveNewYork #NotThrowingAwayMyShot"

WHAT THE FLIP, JEN? You won't go down a mental spiral about Jen, but you know, she's been in the city for about two months now and thinks that she's a New Yorker because she gets brunch and saw a rat once.

Truth be told, she has a good voice. Not great, but good. Well, maybe you've just never seen her in a role that really showcases her potential.

Again, she's not worth the mental exhaustion.

That being said, you should now spend your entire day thinking about what Jen's news will be and how her possible success story will directly affect your self-worth. After all, you're already 23!

1. Jen got an agent

Honestly, it'd be great if Jen got an agent.

Even though you've been in NYC for two years and still are not signed to an agency, you've always just kind of been able to find the work on your own.

Jen has never really been that independent and headstrong, so it'd be good for her to have someone helping her along the way.

2. Jen snagged her first gig in NYC

This would be fine as well! Because, to be honest, it's probably one of those cabarets where you're required to sell ten tickets. And you don't mean that in a bad way! Everyone needs those gigs when they're starting out here.

Even though you've just never been one to choose that kind of work, it's totally fine for Jen to be excited about this. Maybe you'll even try to make it out to support her!

3. One of those contemporary musical theatre composer duos is writing a song for Jen

You've sent multiple messages trying to reach out to such composers, and for whatever reason they've never gotten back to you. But to be completely honest, this would be good for Jen. You're pretty sure she needs more material for her audition book if you remember correctly from college. You can only sing "On My Own" so many times, Jen!

Also, while you've always been more attuned to the fulfilling artistic challenge of actually playing a character, it's probably better for Jen to sing a song where she can play herself. She's always been the type to excel in a lower stakes environment, so a nice personalized tune about making it in New York City would be right up her alley! So this would be good.

4. Jen will be launching a multi-platform brand as a personal trainer/co-creator of a podcast about finding balance and authenticity in an artistic community that has become tainted by social media pandering

Wow, what a feat for Jen! It doesn't matter that you've had a performer-focused fitness and lifestyle podcast for the last three years that only averages three listens per episode. Jen's will probably take a long time to get off the ground anyway, if that voiceover reel she posted last week is any indication. It's cool, though. Enunciation isn't for everybody!

And, if you're being totally honest, it's probably good for Jen to have a side hustle that isn't performing. But that's not being said in a judgmental way! It's just good that Jen realizes that she can explore other venues of creative expression, especially since her resume quite frankly doesn't pop that way yours does.

Jen played Miss Hannigan in a community theatre production of Annie when she was 15, and like, she puts that at the top of her resume. You're digressing.

You would be so happy if this were Jen's news because you want her to unlock her truest potential. After all, college theatre buddies must always lift each other up!

5. Jen booked Broadway

Jen is fake. You never liked Jen.

***UPDATE: Just two hours after her initial post, Jen has finally shared all of the details of her exciting news in a new post that reads as follows:

"Ugh I can't hold it in any longer! So, I just got coffee with a friend of a friend who works in this crazy business of show. He told me that he thinks I have a cool look, and that he knows a casting director! And he said he would send them my headshot once he finds their email! Does anybody know where I can get headshots taken in NYC?! #ActorsLife"

The post received 264 likes and 52 shares from Jen's friends and family in the Midwest.

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